When "They're Doing Their Best" Becomes Harmful: Why This Common Phrase Can Re-Traumatize Survivors

In our well-meaning attempts to encourage empathy and understanding, we often reach for phrases that seem compassionate on the surface. "They're doing the best they can" is one such statement or “you wouldn’t be who you are without them,” frequently offered as a way to explain someone's harmful behavior or to encourage forgiveness. While this sentiment may come from a place of good intentions, for survivors of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, these words can feel like salt in wounds that are still healing.

Understanding why this seemingly benign phrase can be so damaging requires us to examine trauma through the lens of those who have lived it, rather than through the comfortable distance of theoretical compassion.

The Weight of Words on Wounded Hearts

When we tell trauma survivors that their abusers were "doing their best," we inadvertently minimize the survivor's experience and pain. This phrase, however well-intentioned, can serve to protect the perpetrator while leaving the victim feeling unheard, invalidated, and alone in their suffering.

For someone who has endured systematic abuse, hearing that their abuser was "doing their best" can feel like being asked to shoulder responsibility for their own trauma; to understand, forgive, and move on without proper acknowledgment of the harm that was done.

Five Ways This Phrase Can Feel Harmful For Trauma Survivors

1. It Minimizes the Severity of Their Trauma

When we suggest that an abuser was "doing their best," we imply that the abuse was somehow inevitable or understandable given the perpetrator's circumstances. This minimizes the deliberate choices that led to harm and reduces the survivor's experience to an unfortunate side effect of someone else's limitations.

For a child who was beaten, neglected, or sexually abused, being told their parent or caregiver was "doing their best" can feel like their suffering doesn't matter. It suggests that the trauma they endured was acceptable because it came from someone who was supposedly trying their hardest. This invalidation can be as damaging as the original abuse, creating a secondary wound that undermines the survivor's right to feel angry, hurt, or betrayed.

2. It Shifts Focus from the Victim's Needs to the Perpetrator's Circumstances

Trauma survivors often struggle to have their experiences centered and validated. When we immediately pivot to explaining or excusing the abuser's behavior, we redirect attention away from the person who was harmed and toward the person who caused harm.

This shift can be particularly devastating for survivors who spent years having their needs ignored or dismissed. They may have grown up in environments where their pain was consistently secondary to their abuser's problems, moods, or circumstances. Hearing "they were doing their best" can trigger these same dynamics, making survivors feel invisible and unimportant all over again.

3. It Can Prevent Healthy Anger and Boundary-Setting

Anger is often a crucial part of trauma recovery. It helps survivors recognize that what happened to them was wrong and gives them the energy needed to establish boundaries and protect themselves from future harm. When we tell survivors that their abusers were "doing their best," we can interfere with this healthy anger and the empowerment it provides.

Survivors may feel pressured to suppress their anger and move prematurely toward forgiveness or understanding. This can leave them vulnerable to continued abuse or prevent them from developing the strong sense of self-worth necessary for healthy relationships. The message becomes: your feelings don't matter as much as maintaining peace and understanding toward those who hurt you.

4. It Implies the Survivor Should Have Lower Expectations

Suggesting that an abuser was "doing their best" can communicate to survivors that they should have expected less from the people who were supposed to care for them. This is particularly harmful for those who were abused as children, as it suggests they should have been satisfied with whatever scraps of care or attention they received.

This message can be internalized in devastating ways, leading survivors to believe they don't deserve better treatment in their current relationships. They may settle for partners, friends, or family members who treat them poorly because they've been taught to accept that others are "doing their best," even when that "best" involves ongoing harm or neglect.

5. It Can Interfere with Justice and Accountability

Recovery often requires some form of accountability whether that's legal consequences, family acknowledgment of wrongdoing, or simply having others recognize that abuse occurred. When we immediately jump to "they were doing their best," we can undermine survivors' needs for justice and validation.

This phrase can shut down important conversations about responsibility and consequences. It suggests that good intentions or difficult circumstances excuse harmful actions, which can leave survivors feeling like they're asking for too much when they seek acknowledgment or accountability. The implicit message is that understanding the perpetrator's perspective is more important than addressing the harm that was done.

A More Healing Approach

This doesn't mean we should demonize everyone who has caused harm or refuse to acknowledge the complex factors that contribute to abusive behavior. However, there are more helpful ways to hold space for both accountability and compassion:

Instead of: "They were doing their best" Try: "What happened to you was wrong, regardless of their circumstances"

Instead of: "They had a hard childhood too" Try: "Your pain matters, and you deserved better"

Instead of: "You should try to understand where they were coming from" Try: "You have every right to feel hurt and angry about what happened"

Moving Forward with True Compassion

Real compassion for trauma survivors means centering their experience and validating their right to heal on their own terms. It means understanding that forgiveness and understanding cannot be rushed or forced, and that survivors are the experts on their own experience.

We can acknowledge the complexity of human behavior and the factors that contribute to abuse without immediately shifting focus away from those who were harmed. We can hold space for the reality that someone might have been limited by their own trauma or circumstances while still maintaining that their actions caused real damage that deserves acknowledgment and accountability.

True healing happens when survivors feel seen, heard, and validated in their experience. When we resist the urge to immediately explain away harmful behavior, we create space for survivors to process their trauma, develop healthy boundaries, and reclaim their sense of worth.

The road to recovery is long and complex, and survivors deserve companions who can sit with the difficult truths of their experience rather than rushing to make those truths more comfortable for everyone else. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is simply acknowledge that what happened was wrong, that it shouldn't have happened, and that the survivor's feelings about it are completely valid.

In doing so, we offer something far more valuable than premature understanding; we offer the gift of being truly seen and believed.